‘Men’ – (named after men) – ‘O’ for Ohhhh – ‘Pause’ for take a breath.
WARNING: This article is sarcastic and will upset people. If your wife has menopause, do not let her see you reading this.
Women have menopause. Men who live with women, must live with it as a carer and joint sufferer. I am talking about female menopause, not male menopause, if that exists it has not happened to me but if it does, I expect it to be like man flu, way worse for men than women. This advice is based on personal life experience and not any medical qualifications or research. This advice is ignorant of anyone else’s experience and devoid of their cares because I am worn down by my own suffering.
Dealing with Menopause should be included marriage vows or any contract for living with any female over fifty. Vows could say, ‘until death do us apart or she gets menopause’ or ‘even through menopause, we will persist’, depending on how positive you want to be. Of course, when you get married in your twenties you do not think of this, but you will wish you did when you are in your fifties. It could be an easy out if you included it in your vows or a time to knuckle down and enjoy a partner who will appear at times to be a completely different person.
You will either enjoy or be driven crazy by having more than one wife, sometimes three on the same day. It can be like having a new wife who behaves and wants different things, which you may enjoy after many years together, but it also might drive you insane. When you wonder who abducted your wife and replaced her with this angrier version.
Just remember, she is still there, somewhere, just less consistently.
It should be part of any prenup and any serious discussion or relationship question before going on a date with any lady over fifty. It can be like living with 2-3 different women and give you some insight into what an AI version of your wife might be, if you remove all the fun human emotions you used to share and just have a moody, clinical version that is never happy with you. You secretly wished you could have more than one wife when you were younger, focused more on the possibility of more and varied sex. Now it is your chance to enjoy more than one wife but without any of the extra sex. There will not be a different sexual partner each night like you dreamed. Just a few different partners that do not want sex on any night you do, regardless of any roster.
You must plan for it and be ready before 50. Nothing you do because of menopause will help. You must act like everything is the same or better so have everything set up in advance for other reasons, so it is just a coincidence you have a spare room for guests that is set up how you like it.
- Have a separate room set up and ready.
- Get single quilts and a really large bed.
- You will need a winter quilt and she will need a thin one, if any at all. So, two single quilts may be better than one light king quilt. Because you will not be brave enough to complain about freezing to death when she is sweating.
- Get some ear buds, preferably ones she cannot see.
- When you go to sleep in the spare room in the middle of the night, say it is because of your own snoring and you cannot sleep, never say it is because of her snoring. If you do, you may get smothered in your sleep.
- Slippers are needed to sneak out of the room at night. Always leave your PJ’s where you can put them on quietly to go to another room.
- Ensure she has her own credit cards and bank accounts so she can buy whatever she wants and remember to always be happy with whatever she buys and say it was a great idea.
- Forget any strict budget. You could put away extra funds between 45-50 and say it is a ‘travel’ account.
- If you want a peaceful night’s sleep, stay up late reading or watching a TV show she does not like. Then when she is in bed, go and sleep in the spare room because you do not want to wake her.
- Never say no to sex, because you have to be just happy you are invited.
- Have a garage, man cave type of place you get to go to practice your hobby. Start a hobby now, like train sets, or build a car or collect Smurf’s, anything to give you a reason to be alone.
- Never take credit for anything. Wait until she notices and compliments you because you are in a competition you cannot win.
- Have a sport or hobby that gets you out of the house, routinely. Something she does not want to do, so you can have a break.
- Quadruple your appreciation of every meal, every time something is cleaned or washed and never complain about anything or you will be cooking for yourself and washing your own clothes forever.
- Encourage activities your wife does with other women, before 50, so she keeps it up when she is 50+. Anything to get her out of the house that is her idea.
Sex. Apparently after menopause, which can last for 7 years, if you are lucky. She will want more sex! That is one thing to look forward to too. Hope fully it will be sex with you. Expect no sex during menopause and what you do get, be appreciative of. Do not go asking for it or complain about what you get, or you will get nothing! If you get sex, do not expect aerobic or gymnastics, just enjoy it. If she ever askes if you are happy with it or for you to adjust, make zero facial expression, do not pause and say, ‘it is great, I love you.’ You cannot win so do not try to.
Weigh Gain. This is normal so have a budget for new clothes and gym memberships. Do not comment on new clothes that are a larger size or ask her to wear that favourite skirt she used to wear. If you do, you will be living in the doghouse, with the dog. Use terms like, ‘you look good today’ not ‘you look good in that’. Say, ‘that looks comfortable’ not ‘black makes you look thin’. Never notice she is not wearing her favourite clothes or has a new outfit for the gym. Just be vague and say ‘nice colour’ and ‘that is a modern style, I like it on you’.
Jokes. Nope. Do not even start. Suck it up and laugh when she laughs. Carry eggshells with you. Before you say something, through them on the ground and walk on them carefully.
Thinning hair. Just do not notice. Never ask her if she has cancer or complain about hair in the shower. Allow more in the budget for hairdressing because styles and colour changes are a great distraction.
Dry Skin and nails. Buy more of the feet cracking hell balm for you and just leave it where she can get it, but do not look and do not ask.
Brain Fog. You will get this too, but you will only notice hers. Do not start practicing her for Alzheimer’s with post it notes everywhere. Just practice repeating yourself for when you get brain fog and just suck it up when she complains about you repeating yourself. Which you are only doing because she is forgetting 46% of what you say. If you find her misplaced keys or shoes, quietly put them back where she thought they were.
Depression and anxiety. You will get it too as it can be contagious in a household. Be sympathetic, quiet, complementary and patient. Seriously seek professional help, which is her idea or advice her mum gives her, if it is very hard for her but never tell her to seek help. Just leave a brochure around somewhere subtle or like it arrived as junk mail.
Other symptoms. There are thousands and every mood and irritability response can be blamed on menopause. You cannot blame it on menopause though. Just suck it up and be quiet and understanding. For the 25 years after menopause, many of the symptoms will remain and for 15 years leading up to menopause the symptoms will grow, and you will get examples of them. Menopause is just the time everything starts to come together, daily. Even when there is no menopause, it will be an excuse, just laugh it away, inside your head.
NEVER TELL HER WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT, JUST LISTEN, LOOK INTERESTED AND NOD THOUGHTFULLY.
You will not get a medal living through menopause. You will get zero recognition and no credit points because it is what is expected and what she deserves. There should be Menopause leave for men with suffering partners where work sends you on compulsory training trips away for a few days, every month! She will not even remember the hot flushes, the bad nights, the moods and the snapping at you, so never bring it up or hold it against her. It is gone, move on and enjoy having one wife again. Long term loyalty and a life partner has its own special rewards which far out way any short term (7 LONG YEARS) of menopause you suffer through.
Staying together is worth it. Everyone loves a 55-year relationship and a life partner. Someone you stick by and will stick by you when you buy a sports car at 60 in your fourth midlife crisis. It is romantic to have a lifelong relationship, and although jail time may seem a better way to spend some of your married life. It is all worth it.
