This article is about how masculinity, correctly defined can and is positive. Masculinity has valuable characteristics that benefit society and should be promoted, whilst simultaneously calling out behaviour that is unacceptable and should be excluded from any definition of masculinity. For masculine traits to be positive, men must remove all behaviour that is sexist and does not respect women. Men must also look after themselves more and select masculine traits that guide them to be a better person.
This article has 2 extra Annexes related to Domestic Violence.
The positives of masculinity can benefit everyone. Men can be masculine and still be good, kind men that never harm women. One of the toughest and most masculine things to do is change your behaviour and ensure you are improving yourself and striving to be a good person and useful member of the community.
Wikipedia: Masculinity is a set of attributes, behaviours, and roles associated with men and boys. Masculinity can be theoretically understood as socially constructed, and there is also evidence that some behaviours considered masculine are influenced by both cultural factors and biological factors.
Masculinity is a social construct developed for thousands of years, coupled with biological aspects. Masculinity can vary between cultures and historical perspectives. Masculinity has many character traits integral to its meaning.
This article discusses how masculinity can help men be better people while highlighting how most men are not toxic and can be part of a more harmonious (and less violent) society. As our species keeps evolving, masculinity must evolve as well. As the species evolves and thrives, society is endeavoring to become more equitable, fairer, less violent, and a more unified species. Masculinity has contributed for thousands of years, men have led the way, died in wars by the millions, been the last off the ship, fed the family/tribe, developed wealth, and protected their country and way of life. This is changing, but masculinity will still have an important role in the future. There are three important requirements for the preservation of masculinity :
- Maintain the positive aspects of masculinity for the benefit of a more humanist and equitable society.
- Call out negative masculine behaviour and the men who perpetrate it, condone it, turn a blind eye to it and defend it.
- That positive masculine traits can benefit everyone.
Men are violent and violence is predominately a male problem. Most violence is perpetrated by men. All men must be better men by developing positive masculinity that does not include or tolerate violence, especially against women. The majority of violence against women is perpetrated by men. Men are also the victims of violence, however the majority of violent crimes against men, by men, is perpetrated by strangers. Violence, control and the reduction of liberty in a relationship is not positive masculine behaviour and is completely unacceptable. All intimate partner violence, in all forms, from both sexes is unacceptable.
Men have more aggression and potential for violence however this must be kept under control in society. Capable and dangerous men are still needed and this gender stereo type has its place in protection, conflict, policing and military roles however a good man is man that has it under control, at all times and never operates outside a righteous cause.
I look at male behaviour as masculine behaviour because I am a man and do not separate the two. I am also comfortable with men having feminine traits, as humans can always balance conflicting traits within themselves and adjust to the need/circumstances at the time. I can be kind and sweet to those I love, and aggressive and protective when those I love are threatened.
As masculinity is predominately a social construct, society can re-define what it is and determine what masculinity is for the future. What prompted this article? The term ‘toxic masculinity’. I got defensive when this was applied as a blanket term to cover all masculinity and everything male. I am like; ‘hang on a minute’, there are lots of positive things about masculinity and it won’t help find answers by alienating men. I am not toxic and there are a lot of good men, who are masculine, and good men. Instead of using the term toxic masculinity, I want to redefine masculinity to ensure there is nothing toxic about it.
Many men do display aspects of toxic masculinity and are unwilling to review their behaviour and change. Do some self-assessment, step up and change your behaviour if you have anything in your character that is toxic to others. Respecting women, not being sexist and looking after your own health are critical aspects.
I was offended and then I thought, get over yourself! I have had it pretty good and yeah, women have a good point. Being offended does not hurt. It cannot do anything to me, it does not change my life or affect me in any real way. I have never been assaulted or murdered by a partner either. I do not even realistically face the risk of it to the extent a female does, so understanding it is nearly impossible. I can only empathize and do everything I can to contribute to greater respect and safety for women. It reminded me of a quote by Margaret Atwood:
“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
I have spent my life following and being attracted to masculine pursuits. Not as my overriding character trait, but masculine is something I am proud to be. I am biased of course – I played rugby as a kid, was in the Army, spent my life doing combat sports and was often in leadership roles where the use of violence was required and saved lives. I feel my masculine traits are positive, but they are not everything about me.
The term ‘toxic’ is negative and does not help either side have a balanced view. It alienates the people you want involved in solving the problem. The middle road is more likely to have success, however we are past the point that the middle road is effective enough to save the lives of women – now. Of course, if massive change is needed and there is inequality, you must stand up for something and fight for fairness. Especially if the position is very one sided due to power, history, economics, or status – which is the case when dealing with male generated problems in society. Women are right – men need to change, and men need to lecture men more, as that may have more affect than women lecturing men, until men learn to listen better to women.
Masculinity has been labeled toxic, but it is unfair to generalize or stereotype all masculinity as toxic (however, if the shoe fits, accept it and change). It is ridiculous that there is so much bad male behaviour, and it appears to be getting increasingly worse. We must increase respect for women. Men need to seriously look at themselves and look at their masculinity to assess if they part of the problem or solution.
Men and women can have both feminine and masculine traits at the same time. I suggest these terms are better used as character traits that apply to any gender and can vary depending on the situation. All behaviour and character traits can be toxic in one situation and beneficial in another, especially if taken out of context. The problem can arise when someone is not flexible in their beliefs despite new information, operates with constant bias and uses stereotypes to label and comment before considering a situation on its merits, including history and an inclusive context. I think people always use stereotypes and will continue to do so, because it is easy to simplify a view. Stereotypes originate from a limited view and lack of effort to understand and learn more about individuals.
I have trained fighters for over 25 years. Most people I train are men, but I have also trained many successful women. Pound for pound (and generalizing) females are more committed, more coachable, more relentless, and more disciplined. The women, when they commit, are far less distracted than the young men and will not skip training for a date or when they get a new boyfriend. The point of this paragraph is to highlight, that in a historically masculine sport, women can do very well being women, being feminine and embracing traits that are good for men and women. It is wrong to think the women need to be masculine to achieve at combat sports. It is wrong to market women as masculine as the women who do combat sports achieve because they work hard and are not defined by feminine or masculine traits. They do not have to be more masculine to achieve, as anyone can train hard, be tough and be disciplined. Any stereotype of masculine women in combat sports is far from the truth.
Toxic masculinity is a toxic term (as is toxic femininity) that implies masculinity is bad. People using the term to comment on aspects of masculinity are not helping men adjust their challenges with dealing with the breadth of masculinity. Aspects of masculinity can be great, for men and women. It is also something biologically and sociologically ingrained in society for many years to come. Masculine behaviour has many evolutionary and biological aspects. It is not a choice someone makes when born a male. There are masculine expectations and influences that a man has little control over when they are a boy. Let us all improve it, not denigrate it.
Aspects of masculinity can lead to negative psychological consequences, especially when emotions, sexuality or physicality are suppressed. Despite the problems, some people, with some aspects of masculinity struggle to handle the expectations of masculinity. I suggest this is better handled with a specific diagnosis and individualised support and not by generalizing and targeting masculinity as toxic in general.
Cultural and historical normalization of male dominance, inequality of women and homophobia are distorted aspects of masculinity that are aspects displayed by weak men and not by good men who are masculine. These characteristics should be stamped out by everyone. The way to do it is for men to call it out and stop it, not by labeling all masculinity toxic, or even including this behaviour in any definition of masculinity.
Violence is a huge male problem. The victims of male violence are women, with the vast majority of the victims of sexual violence, domestic/relationship violence, coercive control, being women at a ratio of 5-1. Intimate partner homicide is a plague. Answers lie at all levels of society, with immediate changes to the judicial system required, but the first step is for men to change their behaviour. The responsibility for reducing violence against women is with men, and it is men who must change the behaviour of men and listen to women, more often and more urgently. There are countless good men in society with many positive masculine traits that would never hurt a woman. They need to be included in conversations regarding bad male behaviour and not alienated from the discussion. Using power to control or violence to hurt is abhorrent behaviour perpetrated by weak men. Being a masculine man, should mean you do not hurt women and do not tolerate other men doing it.
Positive masculinity traits.
Positive masculinity when honed, used wisely, timed well, and applied appropriately and courageously is empowering, impactful and beneficial for society. Masculinity emphasises strength in will, resilience, self-awareness, leadership, taking responsibility, protecting, and providing for others. The use of power for good, fairness and just causes. The strength to do what is right despite the circumstances or risks.
I do not think we need to change masculinity from the core, constructive benefits or distort it. We need to dismiss male behaviour that is bad from masculinity and define masculinity with its positive traits. So, a man is not masculine, if he behaves badly, disrespects, hurts, or controls others through mis use of power. Remove bad male behavior from the definition of masculininity to alienate the weak men who behave badly.
It will take masculinity at its best to change masculinity.
Respect: Reflect on how you behave towards women and evaluate your own behaviour. Realise that respect means you will never be controlling, coercive or violent towards women. That you will respect the liberty of every person you meet. That although relationships are complicated and change over time, you will always respect your partner enough to never harm them. Even if the relationship goes to shit, it started positive, remember that and end it as positive and healthy as you can, with respect.
Be a Gentlemen: Respect and value women. They are the best thing in the world and deserve the very best of men. Say please and thank you, open car doors, walk on the side of traffic and lay across puddles. Discuss opinions, debate, and share and grow together, as the world can only survive if people prosper together. A good gentleman accepts differences in people, as a good leader values and uses varied skill sets for everyone to progress. Be polite, aware of power and remember a gentleman is gentle when required. The strength is hidden, unless required for protection. A strong gentleman asks what a woman wants and does not assume. Explicit consent is required, and you must be man enough to ask for it and deal with the answer respectfully.
Strength: The Strength to stand up for others that need support. To change what needs to be changed. To stand up to injustice and to do it with determination and self-assuredness. To lead weaker people and inspire them to be stronger because life is not a flower bed. It can be hard, and it needs strong people to inspire others. To be resilient in the face of challenges, stoic when required and empathetic when needed. To be strong enough to fight against injustice and in a position to make changes.
To be physically strong to be healthy, able to work and provide for yourself and others. To be successful, to lift others up and give back when you succeed. To be strong enough to look after yourself, stand up for yourself and protect weaker people without your strength or gifts. To be strong is to be fit and healthy and to be fit is to be able to be more useful in society. Strength takes work, discipline, teamwork, and relentlessness; all character traits that will contribute to a better you that can inspire others.
Leadership: To be able to make change real. To inspire others and mentor future generations to effect long-term change. To be a strong leader is to listen and include others for the best outcomes for all.
Leadership as an army officer meant inspiring others to do what they did not believe they could, to overcome fear and lead by example. Then when people fail (or die), you get the job done, you persevere through hardship, and you endure because leadership is required at all levels for the species to survive. It is bred out of conflict, it is the history of warfare and humanity, fought mostly by men, for the protection of everyone.
Protect and Serve: Using courage and strengthto protect anyone less fortunate and those close to you. To serve the community through leadership and strength, and if in positions of power, to serve the community, call out injustice and stand for fairness.
Responsibility: The ability to take responsibility for your actions and to be responsible for the welfare of family and community. This gives purpose and value to your life. It helps you learn about yourself and improve yourself, so everyone wins.
Mental Strength: To have resilience and the capacity to overcome life’s struggles. To be stoic when required, to remain useful and strong yourself in the face of hardship. A crisis needs a leader. To be able to endure and have the confidence that mental strength is just the confidence to know you can get through it. Anxiety, stress, and challenges are a part of life, and they are not overcome with just cuddles and a good cry.
Mental strength is also the ability to get help when needed, to call for help from others and to seek professional help and reach out when required. Good masculinity is to operate as a team and have each other’s back throughout the hardships of life. It is not weak to speak up, to talk to others and be emotional. It is tougher than silence. I believe true masculinity views silence as a lie and that men, with men they trust, can talk through their problems and be emotional. The suppression of emotions comes from many aspects removing ‘men’s groups’ and activities that are manly and good for boys to be boys, burn of energy and take risks. Like doing wrestling as a kid, or Muay Thai, and losing at physical sports.
MEDIA STEREOTYPES CONTRIBUTE TO THE CAUSE OF PERPETUATING NEGATIVE ASPECTS OF MASCULINITY.
Drinking and gambling problems contribute to bad male behaviour, and it should not be promoted as appropriate masculinity by advertising and glamorizing the behaviour. The way men are displayed in gambling and alcohol ads and by Instagram influencers needs some serious monitoring and regulation to not promote negative masculine stereotypes. Mass marketing needs to analyse how negative masculine stereotypes impact men (and boys) and effect their behaviour and view of women. Censoring for explicit content could include censoring for appropriate content for teaching young men how to be good men.
Social media has proven time and time again it cannot regulate itself and never faces consequences. This needs to change and the relationship we all have with social media needs to change and not be accepted as a part of life. Politicians that care about gambling revenue and alcohol revenue should be voted out as their priorities are backwards. An alcohol and gambling culture benefits a very small minority of people.
There is a direct and high correlation between alcohol and drug use and domestic violence. Men need to drink less, be more responsible and control their gambling. Alcohol ads often promote real ‘blokey bloke’ Aussie drinking culture. This is irresponsible and influential advertising that promotes drinking in young men. That contributes to male violence, as education about respect does not come with a drinking culture, and acting responsibly is not included in the marketing. Ban these ads because the drinking alcohol culture contributes negatively to our society, and it will be women who suffer as a result.
Media stereotypes of masculinity promoting male gambling and drinking culture to boys should be banned. They are toxic pursuits. Masculinity is not to blame for the media perpetuating their defined stereotype for men to sell products. Mature, intelligent, balanced and respectful men would not sell alcohol and gambling, so they are not used for advertising.
CHARACTERISTICS THAT CAN IMPROVE YOUR MASCULINITY.
- Take responsibility for your own behaviour.
- Respect women more. Treat women with respect in every way, every day.
- Asking for help shows confidence.
- Improve your communication skills to talk effectively about yourself.
- Improve your listening skills.
- Consider empathy a strength.
- Have outlets that are healthy and controlled for aggression, boredom, and inactivity – like physical sports.
- Learn how to be more self-aware and practice self-improvement.
- Question stereotypes and never try to live up to the media-stereotype male.
- Recognise:
- that relationships are two-way, balanced and require respect.
- that women are equal (or better) than you and have the same rights to consent and a fair go as you do.
- that power comes from support and teamwork and is not acceptable to use to bully, harm, coerce or control others.
- Ask for explicit sexual consent and be man enough to act respectfully when you do not get it.
- Avoid gambling and seek help if you cannot.
- Avoid routinely drinking excessively, and the men who do – and never use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.
- Reduce and control any relationship you have with social media.
Appearance and masculinity. Muscles are not masculinity. The physical appearance of a man is a very inaccurate way to determine masculinity. A beard, tattoos and muscles or a combination of all do not mean one man is more masculine than the other. Masculinity is behaviour and character. Stereotyping your own look, to be more manly is ridiculous. Following the beer and gambling ads, blokey bloke manly models is likely to mean more weakness than strength. A lot of men love to lift weights and grow muscles, but this has nothing to with masculinity, good behaviour or even real strength. I know plenty of skinny, nerdy, mountain bike riders without beards who are tougher, fitter and more masculine than most guys who spend time in the mirror lifting heavy things.
Conclusion for now. Masculinity needs to keep adapting to the modern world one man at a time. Many aspects of masculinity are fantastic, and we need to separate what to keep and what to change. Changing the world may take generations, but changing Australia can happen fast if politicians work together and make legal/consequence and cultural change. The cultural aspects in a diverse culture with far more acceptable social variance than most countries in the world may make Australia a good place to start. The variance within Australian culture is a good test for the world, as we are a Petrie dish for integration of many cultures, histories, social beliefs, and practices.
The need for an increase in respect for women and the relationship with domestic violence is not just a problem in Australia. It is evident in the western world. It is a paradox that as equal rights and high levels of gender equality increase, violence against women increases. I read an ABC article calling this the Nordic Paradox because in Iceland women have the most measured equality in the world and there is still a massive violence against women problem plaguing society. Therefore, it is a universal male problem. That means the causality has to do with men as the common dominator. England, New Zealand, Iceland and the US are facing the same epidemic – in case you thought was a local phenomenon! Reporting from countries such as Afghanistan and Syria are not available to compare, but I would go out on a limb and expect it to be, probably worse because the religious and political regimes systematically denigrate women.
In western liberal democracies, it cannot just be that reporting has increased and women are now stronger and more confident to report the abuse. There must be more to it, and the reasons for the increase need to be quantified and targeted by smarter people than me but we must ensure masculine good men are included in the discussion.
If you feel uncomfortable being stereotyped as a toxic male or part of the hierarchy. Suck it up, be stoic, and demonstrate by your actions and respect for women, that you are a good man. There is more than one way to be a man, find your way.
Annexes:
- Is domestic violence family terrorism?
- What can cause domestic violence?
Is domestic Violence, family terrorism? In 2015, Rosie Battie, Australian of the year, suggested this. (If you are listening – Matt Bevan, ABC News, is a brief overview.)
They are different things, but it is a great idea to get the level of attention and funding required for domestic violence. Violence in any form can be predicted when people have a history of violence. Future violent behaviour can be predicted when you look at someone’s history of violence, sexism, aggression, control and removal of liberty. If the behaviour is not stopped, it escalates. If it is condoned or someone gets away with it, it is escalated. (domestic violence and terrorism incidents do occur with no history of violence though, so it is not the only answer). What is also violence towards women is often other aspects not usually considered violent (but are and can often preclude more extreme violence) such as control, isolation, degradation, gaslighting – behaviours that when cannot be maintained by the man, can erupt in serious violence (or murder) with no history of physical violence. These characteristics are not too different from radicalized fundamentalists and their indoctrination before acts of violence.
This is the same for domestic violence as terrorism (now often broken down into politically or ideologically motivated violence). Terrorism and domestic violence are both serious crimes. When you review the statistics in Australia and compare the two:
- Nine people have been killed by terrorists in 15 years.
- 1500+ women have been killed by intimate partners in the same period.
It is obvious which is the greatest threat to our society. $466 million is allocated to women’s safety vs $2671 million on counter terrorism (CT). I am not advocating for CT funding to be reduced, as the funding has contributed to the lower deaths and incidents of terrorism in the last 15 years. I am advocating a massive increase in resources for dealing with domestic violence.
I know far more about terrorism than domestic violence. Having been an Australian Army Intelligence officer, worked at Attorney General’s and Foreign Affairs in security roles. What is obvious is that everything terror-related has a section in most departments, most police forces and even their own intelligence focus. We have ASIO, ASIS, DFAT, DEFENCE, CT sections in every state and federal police force. Every department has a security officer of some type. Working in CT can be well funded, is sexy, can be glamorous, very masculine and is taken very seriously. Domestic violence is something entirely different. It is in someone’s home, someone’s relationship, it is personal, private, secretive and complex.
Telling people, you work in an area focused on protecting the country from terrorism is noble and proud. I imagine telling people you work in domestic violence gets a different reaction, as murky, challenging, and you may get more ‘oohs’ than ‘wows’.
Domestic violence could be given the same type of prominent specific department focus and a presence across all departments. The economic and social cost from domestic violence is worth it.
What can cause Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is MUCH more than physical violence. It includes sexual, financial, coercive control, isolating, psychological violence, the removal of liberty and more.
Men who do not have respect, self-control and decide to be violent. Men who rationalize that they have no other options and are too weak to seek help. Men not respecting women enough and men not taking responsibility for their own bad behaviour enough is a part of it. Sexist behaviour is often a precursor and there is usually alcohol and drug abuse involved with a loss of apparent control and options. Domestic violence, ex and partner homicide is increasing despite the attention it is getting and traction it is getting in the media and government.
There must be a multitude of causes combining randomly for tragic outcomes. It is an international problem. It is pervading across all cultures, all ages and no one is immune based on demographic, income, or position of power. It is evident and potential in every relationship. It is difficult to stereotype the men responsible. You would find it hard to pick most of them in the initial stages of a relationship and a happy marriage as the coercive control often grows as the relationship grows. There are always signs you can see in hindsight and aspects ignored early on, or discounted due to ‘love’ attention and desire.
The common factor is men. Women do commit domestic violence but not anywhere near the rates that men do – at least five times less, and some of these are women are protecting themselves after years of abuse. If the stats were reversed, I suggest society would have looked harder many years ago. Bad Male behaviour is the problem.
Healthy men can be violent, men without alcohol problems can be violent, feminist men can be violent. Men who have gambling addictions are not always violent, men who are sexist are not always violent, men who are aggressive are not always violent. Sexist and aggressive men are more likely to become violent, but not always. There is not one cause. I think that real men do not hit women, and this is a good start, but it is far from the answer. I grew up with the line; you never hit a girl. I believed it. Why don’t others? I really do not know. Is it that men cannot handle losing control, that they do not know how to express themselves and have limited options when angry. Why do they resort to violence and not have the self-control to walk away or the confidence to talk to someone? If your girlfriend dumps you, respect that. Do not follow her around and prove to her again and again why she left you. She left because you are dick. Move on and respect her decision.
In my experience, having had a lot of conversations with men, I have never experienced a man bragging or saying to me they bashed their wife last night, ‘I have good control of my house because my girlfriend does not have a bank account, she doesn’t work and loves it when she is always home’. We do not talk about the latest trackers, or that we cannot meet up because I am following my wife to see what she does. Men are not open about their own negative behaviour, they hide it, they are ashamed of it, they keep it to themselves and must think it is OK from their perspective. Men need to call out other men, and their friends when they know something.
What is strange about the commonality of domestic violence and bad male behaviour is how common a lot of it is. It is like there is a secret course, or a manual on how to control your wife and if it does not work out the way I want my kingdom too, I will react like this. How to ‘love bomb’ your girlfriend, control her life as the relationship develops, gaslight her, get rid of her friends, alienate her family and blame all my behaviour on what she made me do. There seems to be a chaos theory-related common behaviour method used by men with no connection to each other that can exist across culture and country. This could be in the psychological makeup of men, how they grow up, how they interact, or in their DNA.
The solution needs to consider legal and enforcement changes, more research, more funding, more respect for women and a massive shift that needs to happen sooner rather than later. Men need to be more respectful, non-controlling, non-coercive and NON-VIOLENT. There are 100 better options for everyone than murder. Men need to find them, and they need help doing it.
